Pontius Pilates
It's a killer workout! The only fitness program that promises death to your old self and resurrection of your best body. Wash your hands of weakness.
Suffering Builds Character Since XXXIII A.D.
From the shores of Galilee to the hills of Rome, Pontius Pilates has guided countless disciples on their journey to physical and spiritual perfection. Our methods are time-tested and martyr-approved.
Resurrection rate — rise again after every workout
Souls transformed through our sacred training methods
Days and nights of fasted cardio
Ancient Wisdom, Modern Martyrs
Train like the legions of Rome. Suffer like the saints of old. Transform your mortal vessel into a temple of divine gains.
The Way of the Crossfit
Carry your burdens with proper form. What doesn't crucify you makes you stronger.
Render Unto Caesar
Caesar gets your taxes. We get your chest and triceps. God gets your glutes.
Testimonies from the Faithful
Hear from those who have walked the path before you and emerged transformed.
The Governor's Circle changed me completely. I used to be a tax collector with terrible posture. Now I stand tall and have the core strength to carry any burden. Highly recommend the 39 lashes of motivation.
Marcus Aurelius
Former Tax Collector, Capernaum
I truly have a new lease on life! After completing the Resurrection Program, I feel like a completely different person. It's like I was dead before and now I'm alive again.
Lazarus O'Bethany
Professional Resurrectee
The Stations of the Crossfit absolutely crushed me — in the best way possible. XIV stations, XIV transformations. My glutes have never looked more divine.
Simon of Cyrene
Cross-Carrying Specialist
I denied knowing about fitness three times before. But after joining Pontius Pilates, I can proudly say I am a true believer. The gains are real.
Peter
Fisherman & Rock
The Wine to Water hydration therapy is genius. I used to drink too much at parties. Now I'm the most hydrated person at every wedding I attend.
Mary M.
Wedding Enthusiast
I was skeptical at first — what do Romans know about fitness? But after XXX pieces of silver worth of sessions, I can say it was worth every denarius. Life-changing.
Judas I.
Financial Advisor
Frequently Asked Questions
All subscriptions payable in advance by the Ides of each month. We accept tetradrachm!
Disciple Level
IV denarii
Begin your journey on the path to righteousness
Cross-training basics
Stone Tablet newsletter
Forum Magnum access
Centurion Level
VIII denarii
For the devoted who seek greater challenges
Bread and fish nutrition guide
Monthly persecution challenges
Golgotha Peak access
Governor's Circle
XII denarii
The ultimate transformation of biblical proportions
Stations of the Crossfit
39 lashes of motivation
Wine to Water hydration therapy
I squandered my gains on riotous living — tavern nights, not a single squat. Hit rock bottom eating with the swine. But when I returned, they welcomed me with open arms and killed the fatted calf for protein. My six-pack was lost, but now is found.
The Prodigal Son
Returned Desciple
Ready to Rise Again?
Join the faithful who have transformed their bodies and souls through the sacred art of Pontius Pilates. Your resurrection awaits.